| poem |
[19 Nov 2004|04:28pm] |
Poem I just wrote.. About my ex.
I dont expect you to understand
Nobody seems to anymore.
They all say I'm crazy
but I kno better.
Ive been like this from the very beginning.
Dont try to change me,
I won't budge.
I've finally excepted who I am.
You act like you don't understand,
look at me like you think I'm crazy..
You act like you can't hear my screams
or notice I'm suffocating.
I'm always searching for sumthing,
Do you know what it is?
I do.
Apart of me is missing
I cant seem to find it.
I've misplaced it,
I've misplaced you.
Will I ever get over you?
Will this empty space in my heart ever fill?
I see you everwhere.
I look for your face in a crowd
but your no where to be found.
So to stop the pain
I'll close my eyes.
Cause when I close my eyes I see you.
I feel your soft sweet lips against mine..
The taste of your breath.
Oh it soothes me so.
I open my eyes and feel the stares.
Please make them stop
make them look awa.
Oh, God, I'm not happy.
I spave of easy,
always lost in thoughts and emotions.
Oh, when will it end?
I find myself thinking of our first kiss.
God, how I loved you.
But I couldn't open my mouth
it was locked shut.
What was a gurl to do?
Was our relationship
only a mere joke?
Do you laugh about how I would act?
How I'm always paranoid?
I wish someone would understand..
If you still loved her
why'd you kill me like that?
Make my knees go weak,
my whole body would tremble...
Was this all part of your plan?
Plan to make me fall..
I remember the first time I saw you..
You reminded me of someone,
someone so very important to me
but I ruined that to.
Looking back at the first time I saw you
it still seems like a miracle we went out.
I would've never dreamed of this,
but I lost it..
I don't kno wut I did wrong.
Is it because you couldn't get sex?
What do you expect to get from her?
A hug between classes?
You at least got a kiss from me between classes.
You don't even hold hands w/her.
I guess I'll just except it
because althought I hate to admit it,
you forgot about me along time ago.
Gone w/the wind
the rain and the snow.
Am I that ugly?
You don't even look at me..
You don't even smile at me..
Maybe I'll get another chance later on..
Nah, I'm not that lucky.
I'll miss you
Maybe someday you'll miss me.
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[19 Nov 2004|06:16pm] |
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mood |
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My mom took me to the doctor's yesterday. We sat down with him and talked about my cutting. I wouldn't talk, so I made my mom do all the hard stuff, beginning with why we were there in the first place. So she told him this "We have a problem, she's been cutting herself". It was so horrible. I couldn't stand it one bit. The doctor was asking me so many personal questions from "why did you start" to "can I see your arms and legs". Very annoyed I managed to sit through it quietly. He is going to make arrangements for me to see a councellor, but I don't want to go alone. Only "bleeding tears" knows exactly what I mean. I've decided to stop cutting. I promised alot of my friends that I would, plus my mom and my doctor. And my mom is going to check me for new cuts like, everyday, so I have no other choice. I haven't done it for 3 days now, let's just hope I can keep it up, and ignore all the cravings.
*You have all my trust*
-CraziBootiful-
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[19 Nov 2004|08:46pm] |
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music |
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Disney channel |
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my boyfriend is just now noticing all the scars on my arm. for some reason after the surgery, he noticed them more. maybe cause we look at my arm alot to see if my bruise went awqay. reguardless, hes getting paraniod that Im gonna go back to cutting cause of the drama in my house and in my life...
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[19 Nov 2004|10:17pm] |
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music |
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Lacuna Coil - Heaven's a Lie |
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The Crying shuts her eyes tonight
the angels desert her body
as she holds her pain so tight
lying so close to her no body
The Bleeding close her scars
the windows are all closed
as she lies to reach her stars
does she care that no one knows?
The Fakers place a smile
the shield has been set
as she goes the extra mile
ensures it's not shown yet
The Lonely hold the emtpy box
the many gifts from cupid
as she counts the love-me-nots
the roses all wilted
The Condemned whisper a prayer
the last ounce of lost hope
as the demons answer
around her neck they place the rope
The Dying hold her breathe
the heavens lock their door
as she feels sweet death
the hell count can raise the score.
19/11/04
yeh... wrote this like 30 mins ago... lemme know what you think
the other day i exploded and told my mum everything... like how im depressed and stuff. So she's going to take me to the doctors some time to get checked for depression, and then i'm probably going to have to go back into therapy or be put on medication... fukk
nothing's happened just yet though because i'm just showing my mum that i'm all happy and stuff so maybe she'll just ignore what i said before. ughh
xoxo
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[19 Nov 2004|10:47pm] |
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fighter |
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I have not yet told my parents that i cut but i have to and soon. So any ideas on what i could say to them to make them understand would be greatly appreciated. Also the guidance office says they eventually want me to go see therapy. I just want to know is this helpful at all whatsoever or just a waste of time? I have decided that i am going to stop it's been 4 days. I am stopping for this guy, b/c he is important to me. I don't know if that makes any sense but he really cares about me and he doens't want me to hurt myself. He promised he'd be there for me through it all. He's the only person i can remember ever being this nice to me in my entire life and that's saying something. I think it's worth it to stop for him? It's going to be hard but i believe that i can do it b/c i know it is hurting the people i love and me b/c it's too hard to live like this with this huge secret, you know what i mean? I'm just not up for it anymore, it's killing me inside. I think i'm going to tell my parents this week end...any words of advice? Jezze i think this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do...after keeping it a secret for so long it's going to be encridiably hard to say "i'm a cutter". In desparate need of advice,
-girl/gashes
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